monday | dec 06 | 2004 wow here it is december already - hovering around the low eighties - 33 pounds less on my best day. my over reactive inner child has been ruling the day since thanksgiving - indulging in too much of getting what it wants. no gym. no control. but i am back on track today - focusing to get into the gym at least twice this week and stay on full fast for the weeks duration - i met a mini goal of matching the weight i started this site at - 183 (actually bouncing up and down between 180-182). next mini goal will be to hit the seventies by christmas. i just need to get through the pms from hell that is upon me. in other areas - the holidays are here and my guy and i are making a conscious effort to get more holidized this year. we headed down to union square this weekend and saw all the holiday lights and went to a christmas play. a small basement theater group did a monologue version of david sedaris' santaland diaries - it was very entertaining - but nothing can hold a candle to mr. sedaris' version read on cd. i basically have all of my christmas shopping done - not a moment to soon because i am now flat broke - but well armed to gift away. we got our tree the day after thanksgiving, so that has been done for awhile. i have only to completely sanitize the house from top to bottom - no small feat - pending the arrival of "the moms". these are women who both just happen to decorate their entire houses in the palette of white and never does a spec of dirt show - so now you get what kind of pressure i am under to get the house up to "the" standard. monday | nov 08 | 2004 i so suck at challenges! i was going to erase it all - like it never happened, such a wimp! but i'll keep chart up and black out "the i blew it" days. so i gave in to all my PMS hormonal whims this weekend. didn't over due it, didn't gain, but i am concerned that i do not get portion control. i indulged in my favorite indian food dinner and was not able to cut back on the naan. what the fuck is wrong with me - why must i completely indulge in whatever and as much as i want. i'm thinking of setting up a private session with patti, in order to investigate this. i'm am seriously concerned about maintenance and how to do it. weekend list; friday sushi dinner, green salad, 6 pieces of sushi ala fish, 6 pieces cucumber roll, 6 pieces shitake mushroom roll saturday shake (2) as a latte lunch: tomato soup and whole bag of saltines dinner: container (medium, 1-2cup) of puree vegetables (sweet potatoes/carrots/potatoes) from whole foods 3-4 pieces of belgian chocolate sunday shake (2) as a latte shake (2) before going out for days activities 3 pieces of belgian chocolate indian lunch/dinner of naan (1-1and half), 1/2 cup rice, chicken tiki marsala - big serving, cauliflower/potato stuff - small portion by weekends end half bag rosemary potato chips mint brownie thursday | nov 04 | 2004 lost a pound - and what a glorious pound it was, ode to an ever clinging finally be gone pound. this means the plateau curse is gone - let the losing begin.
wednesday | nov 03 | 2004 urgh... country's on a plateau [or is that an all time low?] and so is my body! day 3 of the self imposed challenge and still no movement on the scale. will bring it up at group tonight, but general advise is always just keep doing your program and it will break. although i have heard the eat more or exercise more or both will break it advice- will see. slacking a bit on the exercise daily routine, but i did make my first spin class in two years on monday night and boy is my ass in serious pain. it wasn't the cardio part, i did actually survive that and made it through the entire class - it was the ridiculously hard narrow seat that did me in, that and the fact i thought i could take the class sans biking shorts! next time i'm stuffing something down my shorts to create a bit more for the pushin'. note to self: WEAR THREE PAIR OF PADDED BIKE SHORTS ON FRIDAY FOOL! i visited the embarcadero YMCA this weekend and its so beautiful. all the cardio equipment is placed so that you face the bayview as you sweat it off. killer pool and all new equipment in weight area - i'll be using it on weekends and since it's down in the financial district - it will be nearly empty all weekends, you see all the rich stinky yuppies have to go back into hiding on the weekends, it's the law or at least the law of the universe according to the princess.
monday | nov 01 | 2004 after what feels like a week of hitting a plateau - i am challenging myself to a mini goal of staying on 100% fast for the next 21 days. i had heard once that it takes doing something 21 times consecutively to make it habit - so i always like the 21 days as a time limit to hit. i am where i am because i allowed a "it's my birthday weekend, so i will have dinner (sushi)" turn into "i can allow myself one meal a week" and now i just hit the twice a week meal mantra. it's time therefore, to set up a mini goal challenge. i didn't really do any damage by indulging and i always made good choices, but i know that i am not there yet and so i need to keep focused on making my weight goals before i start incorporating a balance of supplement with real food meals. the mini goal chart is found under the me... link
friday | oct 29 | 2004 added weight track chart under me... link
monday | oct 25 | 2004 22 pounds gone. had a bit of a breakdown yesterday after going through a bunch of "before" photos and not comprehending that that person in the photo was me. sickened is really more like it. and although there was a twang of motivation to keep going, i felt more depression than ever of having gotten to that size. but i'm beyond that now and back on track. starting a new gym today - canceled the new one that i joined last week because the people there suck and you have to wait 30 minutes to get on a machine and did i mention the people that work out there suck. it was one of "those" gyms. so now i'm at the YMCA with all the local yocals and their grandmas, but it has a huge pool for swimming, tons of cardio equipment and a spinning room that is huge so the person next to you isn't spraying you with their lovely salty body shower of sweat - eww! and we all know that its really all about what you put in, not the gym itself. look out grannie, here i come.
wednesday | oct 6 | 2004 15 pounds in 19 days - i am a real live fucking infomercial. me likie! wednesday | sept 29 | 2004 i am not a forum gal - i do not play well with others. i just don't get the online forum world. either people are so sappy sweet it makes me want to puke or they are total whiney wieners. its the perfect combination i guess, people that go on these support boards and complain about everything and then the mighty righteous asses that go on after them to offer their mighty support and wisdom. very few people seem real to me - its a fantasy world of extremes and i just don't fit in. i'll lurk like the rest of you - and there are times that i so want to go on and just rip these people a new one but i will behave and refrain or at least in their world i will - here i can call them out as the wussy wieners that they are. buck it up, suck it up, get it on with it, get over it and just plain fuck off! note to self - next time you go speed shopping through old navy, resist temptation to buy cute shirt without trying it on and then throw it into your gym bag without trying it on and go straight to a morning workout leaving you no options available but to sport a shirt that does not fit you well and therefore you must look like a total tramp all day in your barely covering your tits lolita top. tuesday | sept 28 | 2004 past week one - 10 pounds baby, gone! this included an emergency work trip down to LA -which involved running into my x and his tramp of a girlfriend and celebrating a birthday. my birthday was on saturday and i had a friend come up to visit. i knew this would present itself as a challenge - but i worked it out with my nutritionist and anticipated it. i gained a half pound and after getting back on the program for one day, it was gone. this wasn't really a big struggle, just enjoyed myself during the weekend and then picked up where i left off on friday. i read so many stories on the forum board for liquid dieters about falling off and gaining it all back and the guilt and difficulties, but that didn't happen. maybe because i actually mentally planned for it, got rid of the guilt beforehand and just dove back into the program when it was over. yeah for me - i'm not a big fat whiner. we had a big ol' rockin earthquake this morning and i survived that as well. first time i was ever in a multi story building when it hit so the sway factor was enormous - fun if it wasn't so fucking scary. can't think about the ratio of steel and glass to my body of flesh and guts or it will really freak me out. so thanksgiving, which was to be my big reveal to all since i haven't told anyone that i am doing this fast, looks like it's going to get cancelled. i'm secretly glad. i had to start the program late and my schedule of 3 months ending at thanksgiving was screwed up. now i will be seeing all the family at christmas and that will have been a full 14 weeks - with an estimated 50-60 pound loss. i am very excited about it. ok enough of the boring entry - will check back in when something worthwhile has happened. friday | sept 17 | 2004 so i finally started my opti today. actually i am doing pro-cal and i have to do shakes every 2 hours. my god i feel so bloated and full. i am not used to eating multiple times during the day and this is very hard for me to get used to. big test will be a workout tonight and what my energy level will be at. friday | sept 10 | 2004 PMS much? just feeling a bit snarky these days. so we finally got a move date for our offices to move closer to the city - october 8. now that it's finally here, i'm kind of bummed. i have my routine down now and it's all going to get turned upside down. i have to quit my gym and my trainer/workout sessions will be over. the new gym i planned to join is a whole 3 exits from my new office - gads that is such a temptation to just keep driving when i'm done with a days work and exhausted and my excuse machine is running at full speed. my gym now is literally across the street and one block down - i have to pass it just to get to the freeway. and my trainer always has his eagle eye out for me - "oh i saw you speed by yesterday, no time to stop and do some cardio?" got to love him - he tries. i'm going to miss him as well, you finally build up a trust and relationship and have some really productive sessions and now i have to find another. i am going to hold off for a bit and just check out the different trainers at the new gym - i have a good program in place so i can go it alone, but if i find myself slacking - i'm going to sign one up again. it the best motivation to get my ass in the gym. i know people say it's expensive, but i think it's really worth it and really it's all relative, if you sit down and figure out from your budget somethings that you can live without ( like store bought lattes everyday) you can find the money. it's like the opti program - online so many people say that it is too expensive, but outside of the monthly medical fee - it is about 70$ a week - if i'm not buying any other food items - it ends up being cheaper than before i started it. i mean really people, stop for a moment and look where your money is going - i bet a lot is social eating cost (restaurants), process/fast foods and daily shit like lattes and muffins. it all adds up both on the bottom line and the waist line. thank god i can just give it all up for a while - i'm done with it, sick of all the decisions and debates of what i should buy, what i should eat - just gonna turn it all over to patti pie (my nutritionist). venting to cease now. thursday | sept 09 | 2004 i absolutely hate the expression "aunt flow has come to visit" what the hell - why can't women just say they are having their period. why do they hide behind acronyms like TOM or my aunt flow is here" grow up - this is not 1950, hell have you watched tampon ads lately - madison avenue is one step away from showing a chick pulling out her used tampon to prove the absorbency. so here is a worthless list of euphemisms for good ol' aunt flo THE BLOB
wednesday | sept 08 | 2004 when i meet with my nutritionist last week - she read over my daily food diary and announced that A) i did not eat enough and that B) i did not even come close to eating enough daily protein. so today i looked up protein rich foods and how much protein someone needs. here i was eating 2 hard boiled egg whites in my salad at lunch thinking i'm all protein wise now. wrong i have to eat any where from 70-100 grams of protein daily! shit how in the world do i do that - when i get on the opti it is close to 100 grams a day built in - a non-issue after next week. i have been trying to eat really well, minimal sweets, more protein (although after this mornings research i am definitely in the protein red) before i start the opti. i don't have any desire to do the "last meal" thing. i have seen on medical discovery channel programs about people who are going in for gastric bypass surgery do that desperate glutton fest where they have to eat everything in site and all of their favorites before their stomachs capacity will only allow a teaspoon of dribble. the average weight gain prior to surgery is like 15 pounds - i think within a month or two timespan. i guess i understand but i just can't get behind that mentality, isn't everything i'm/they're doing is about leaving that way of eating, changing it - looking at food as fuel and not as a lifeline for emotions, entertainment, solace. i am totally prepared for this switch - i think about it a lot lately, how i will be 50 lbs smaller in only 3 months. i can't wait. i know that a big part of all this will be the focus on what they call transition, where you re-introduce real food, and i will deal with that as the weight comes off. i don't want to be back here again. i'm really looking forward to taking spinning classes again. i have felt really awkward about taking them now, to big and dorky. i work out twice a week with my trainer and then i put a couple of 30-60 minute elliptical machine sessions in. i have been instructed to bump that up to at least 4 cardio workouts. i told her about feeling awkward taking aerobic classes and she totally understood. she said ask any normal sized person to strap a 50lb weight to their back and then take a step class and then see how motivated they are to get in there and bounce around. its hard, its awkward and intimidating. but after all of this, it won't be - i'm too uncoordinated and unfashionable to take the girly aerobic classes - but i love spinning and i may try kick boxing. somehow all that kicking ends up screwing with my knees though - happened when i did tai-bo before. the kickbox teachers at my current gym are like aerobic nazis - all sweaty and screaming in everyones faces, but there all rock hard demi-gods. i wish my gym had a pool - swimming is another one of my favorites and so non combative. now your moment of zen - remember getting AEROBICISED!
tuesday | sept 07 | 2004 - the cuss too much entry oh fuck it's september already. fuck where did the time go this summer - although summer is starting officially now due to the fucking ridiculous amount of hot weather we are having in san francisco. don't they know that i am the most thermally challenged individual and that i can not tolerate hot weather. didn't they take cues from the famous twain quote of the coldest winter i ever spent was a summer in san francisco. weather maker people can blow me. morons. so here is the big dramatic news. i am starting a medically supervised liquid fast diet - optifast. but let me tell you this is not your mamas oprah optifast - that was actually an older version of the diet and like half the daily calories - something like 450 . this is the new and improved 800 - 900 version 2.0. the thing about the fast is that it is just that - fucking fast, lightning fast. like 50lbs in 3 months fast. i could drop 50 fucking pounds and be at a weight that i could seriously live with - even more if i stay on it and get down to fucking crazy high school weight. but my main goal is definitely drop 50lbs. i am so psyched for this and am actually so fucking relieved that i don't have to shop, prepare and cook for every fucking meal of the day. it is a non issue - just mix, drink and lose. i feel like i am cheating or something. i know that so many of you struggle every minute of the day thinking about food, battling against food, fearing food and here i am just stoked that i can completely turn the responsibility over to my nutritionist and lose it without the mental trauma. so i start next week - friday to be exact. i'll of course keep you posted and maybe even make up one of those fancy weight tracker charts. and if all goes well - i'll post the dreaded before and after shots. i of course can not start something without buying something motivating - so i got these this weekend on ebay. fun colors and oh so necessary to have at work.
other stuff on the radar - the vintage fashion expo is coming to town. like i don't already drop a mint every month on my ever growing vintage clothes collection. the show is super fun to go to - but super draining on the checkbook. ebay is definitely a steal even on a vicious, gonna get my super sonic kitchen timer out and outbid you bitch in the last 3 seconds kind of day.
monday | aug 30| 2004 ok so the month of august is dust. just really busy at work, no time to update. tomorrow i have a meeting with the nutritionist in my doctors office. i have to lose weight - my cholesterol and what have you are too high. the drastic means will be a liquid fast (aka opt-fast) controlled 900 calories a day - with group therapy and medical check-in once a week. average weight lose for 10 weeks, 52 pounds. can i do it - no clue. i keep thinking i can, i can focus on the end result, better health and a closet full of clothes that i haven't really been able to wear. i am not telling many people - right now my boyfriend, one co-worker and my trainer know. i have family coming up for thanksgiving and i just want to leave it at that. if it doesn't work or rather if i can't see it through - i won't have to let everyone down. 900 hundred calories - damn! the good thing is i do not have to battle with the "what will i eat," what's for dinner," "out to the grocery store runs" it will all be taken care of - i think my life style from monday through friday will be no problem. the weekend will be more difficult - but my guy is totally behind it and will do whatever - eat dinner before i get home, grocery shop alone (and i would never eat the stuff he buys - yuck bachelor food) it will just be me and my pea brain fighting it out. wish me luck! - i'll try and update later this week after our first meeting. wednesday | july 28 | 2004 one thing that i am so grateful for is that i do not have family around me that harass me about weight or throw out veiled comments of what i should do or look like. i have a very accepting and loving family. i read in too many situations of mothers, fathers and grandparents that are always nagging and running down their kids in an attempt to offer support or help. how does someone even put up with that? i have a hard time understanding why like abused wife syndrome, they stick around to take it. CUT THE APRON STRINGS. go out and live and create your own life. why do these mothers and such, feel compelled to torture and abuse their kids because they don't measure up to some exterior imposed standard. it adds up to low self esteem on their part and quite frankly i wouldn't stand for it. so thanks mom, thanks dad for applying the theory of unconditional love. tuesday | july 27 | 2004 can my period get any worse - guess that explains the killer workouts from last week - i always have the energy and strength of 20 the week before my period. then i wilt like a girly girl when it hits. i don't feel comfortable in that way to tell my trainer that i'm having my period and so he always seems kind of disappointed when i have an off day like yesterday. whatever dude - you try bleeding for five days straight every month, survive to tell me about it and show me what kind of strength you have left. i ordered this book from amazon. i needed another woe is me and my battle against the bulge book - i'm a gluten for the agony. i had no idea it was this chick who was an ongoing series in shape magazine a couple of years ago. so now i'm kind of jazzed to read the book - she was the first "real" person testimonial that i came across in a mag like that. she was human - oh my god she even gained weight sometimes instead of displaying the perfect 2lb weekly loss, turns out she battled intense binging and depression behind the glossy perception of just another success story. i can relate - can you? lets hope it's good reads.
thursday | july 22 | 2004 had my normal monday and wednesday workout this week. both session were awesome. i followed each session with some serious cardio time on the elliptical machine. if i can just keep consistent with this and try and add another day or two of straight up cardio time - i think i would see better progress. my body hates givin' up the fat easily. just bought some funny foot things to help with the "ball of the foot" pain i get half way through my cardio workout - you fill in the blank on what they look like.
monday | july 19 | 2004 really, really dull weekend - bought some new workout shoes, the dork at the shop said you should buy new shoes every 6-8 months - obviously he's full of shit or has no clue who he is talking to - it's not like i'm putting 100 miles a week on these dogs. they look something like this - can't tell for sure since the shoe industry is obiously cranking out shoes like a ferret on espresso and they all look a like to me. sorry to all my industrial design brethren - but really how many gel windows and criss crossy swashes can a shoe take. we'll see how they work tonight.
can not recommend enough to hit the watch link - this is the best 30 minutes of laughter you will have all week- unless of course you don't get BBC america or don't possess the crass britsh humor dna strain that both the boy and i live for. will try and update archive links sometime soon - just been real lazy about cleaning up site - so i just unlinked it all in true slacker style - trust me you aren't missing much. monday | july 13 | 2004
things feel very topsy turvey right now - having a really tough time staying the course. the emotional eater in me just takes over. i have tried so hard to rationalize this behavior - but i don’t get it - i don’t get the rational of just feeling “the feelings”. what exactly am i suppose to do with the feelings of stress, anxiety, low self-esteem. how do i own it? the triggers for me aren’t big like breakups or financial woes. the triggers are so much more subtle, it’s the hot chick in front of me who gets the elevator door held for her - while you get the person hiding inside doing the rapid fire on the “close door” button or having your blouse pucker at the button closure, ala this morning, and then you feel like your are an overstuffed sausage bursting its casing all day. these are the little things that make me want to comfort myself with food, give myself a break at lunch or after work snuggle on the couch with some mindless cookie munching. and yet we all know that these are the things that keep me trapped into the body and being that i so want to change. time for an action item list to help me through - will have to work on that. wednesday | june 23 | 2004 i'm back scary isn't it. well of course a shit load has happened - the most radical is i now go to a job everyday. liking the job - hating the commute. an hour each way, this should change in the fall when we consolidate with another company we acquired and move closer to The City. but until then i bitch and bemoan the drive every day. i also joined a gym and hired on a personal trainer - we'll jut call him the terminator. adding the gym thing twice a week is a good thing, but i haven't been very good at changing the food thing. i've ordered ww for home and will give it another try. it is the only way i will see results. so currently - i am in better shape - but not any smaller, in fact probably larger by scales account - this sucks - clothes are a pain in the ass and i now have so many different sized groupings of clothes, i could dress a third world country. but i won't ditch them - like so many others i have seen ditch their stuff the minute they make goal - only to find three months later they have full bellys and empty closets. so i have been obsessed with starbucks points lately not because i'm a huge fan, because i am not, but by default in this desolate place i call work, there only exist a starbucks to get my daily fix of caffeine and it is oh so conveniently located in the corner of our parking lot. please be cautioned to go the starbucks site and read through their nutritional listings of all things food and drink, nearly all things are a high caloric dangerzone. for example their strawberry creme thing which i have never had comes in at a whopping 600 calories for a grande, now i've seen people go ape shit for those mixed cremey things. so just be careful out there grande latte | whole milk | 6.4 points tall latte | whole milk | 4 points another thing that is now wiped from the "list of yum" are tapioca pearl drinks - yes beyond whatever calories are in the milk or fruit juice base - focus on the 100 calories to every 7 pearls that float lovingly at the bottom of your cup - i estimate 20 to 30 for each drink, you do the math. danger will robinson, danger - avoid at risk of turning immediately into Violet Beauregarde!
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