friday | nov 17 | 2005
you are soooo stupid and boring now…
friday | oct 21 | 2005
ever have one of those times where you feel like you have gained 15 pounds in one day. i'm having it right now - 1) because i am starting pms week and the bloat and cravings have hit and 2) because i had a full out binge yesterday. i've been down all week with the nasty cold going around and i took seriously to heart the "feed a cold, starve a fever". as an act of contrition, here is yesterday's binge:
bag of redvine rope licorice (serious trigger food for me - like Sam's little nemos in starved*)
bag of light butter microwave popcorn
nearly a whole loaf of sourdough batard - toasted with loads of creamy irish butter
a couple of butterscotch cookies
1/4 pint of ice cream
cup of tomato soup
cup of mangosauce (like applesauce but with mangos)
i think i stopped there due to nothing being left in the pantry
i guess it was all the carb loading that made me feel so heavy - i mean really a whole loaf of bread! i don't understand it, i was home sick and i really thought i should be keeping my vitals stable with a diet of nyquil and consomme. but all i could muster up the strength to do was mow through a loaf of bread. so i'm back at work today - shakes and tea. feeling really fed up with food (except whole loafs of bread of course!) - going to try and stabilize this weekend with shakes and miso only. hubs has now officially caught my plague and so he like a perfect sick role model, will not demand more that a cup o tea and gallon of nyquil.
*ok am i the only one who got this show - i am so bummed they cancelled it. i love dark comedys, especially ones that were written with me in mind. god forbid hollywood actually break the mold of putting out formatted crap.
i don't write that much about work - no real reason although i have read plenty of reason why not to - just check out the infamous dooce.com and think twice about committing it to the keyboard. oh well fuck it i'm feeling wild and crazy. the girls in my office suck. well a certain section of the office that is. i work for a pretty big corporation style company and we take over a complete boring office building floor. on the south side sits all the normal girls, aka the ugly, fat common folk and on the north side of the building resides the A list crowd. we the south side girls like to refer to them as the "mean girls". and they have this little fascists group that has deemed themselves the fun committee who plan all our vanilla dull company events. well fuck the fun committee - i called sour grapes on their recent response to my inquiries concerning a given "pumpkin carving contest". ok i am not kidding you i live and breathe "the office" be it american version or the BBC's. i actually got denied the ability to bring in my own pumpkin or my own pumpkin carving tools by the FFC! so i decline to participate - call it sour grapes or taking my marbles and going home early - i don't fucking care. and news flash you bitches shit stinks - quite literally the womens bathroom here stinks consistently. i don't know what these girls devour all day but something ain't right with their ability to process properly. i walk 3 floors down to use the deserted floors bathroom just so i don't have to catch of whiff of their nastiness. i am stuck in hell and want out!
tuesday | oct 11 | 2005
must make huge attempt to get huge ass into gym tonight. i am slipping so fast down this unhealthy path of out of shape and overweight. i mean even my goal is still overweight - but i feel so much better 20 lbs lighter then what i feel like now. plus i do not want to pull out the boxes of fatty clothes. i've been doing really good at work, getting in shakes and water and miso, but damn it if i don't turn into a wet bag when i get home - giving myself all kinds of excuses or really not thinking at all and just purely indulging my wants. everything takes work and focus - no one is going to hand this to me. i have to fucking work at it. i wish i had the cash to hire a trainer again - yes it makes a huge difference for those of you out there wondering. its a commitment to someone elses time and a financial commitment and it is just more motivating when you have someone directing you to do this - do that (well that part is motivating to me - if i could have a drill sergeant following me around slapping crap out of my mouth and making me give him 20 pushups NOW, i would in a heartbeat)
monday | oct 10 | 2005
on the hunt to replace my beloved optifast peanut butter bars - you can only get those through a doctors and i am not doing the regular program anymore - too broke - but i can get my shakes online but not the bars. i probably need to do a more indepth minerals and vitamin comparison once i narrow it down, but here is the basic criteria i need to match - rated now mostly by taste:
optifast peanut butter bar | rating 5/5
c 160 | fat 4g | protein 8g | carbs 23g
samples in the running
balance bar - gold; chocolate peanut butter | rating 1/5
c 210 | fat 7g | protein 15g | carbs 22g
think thin - divine (sugar free); peanut butter chocolate | rating 0/5
c 130 | fat 5g | protein 10g | carbs 17g
tigers milk (king size); peanut butter | rating 5/5
c 240 | fat 10g | protein 9g | carbs 28g
luna; peanut butter cookie | rating 5/5
c 180 | fat 6g | protein 10g | carbs 25g
zone perfect nutrition bar; chocolate caramel cluster | rating 5/5
c 210 | fat 7g | protein 16g | carbs 21g
balance nutrition energy bar; peanut butter| rating 5/5
c 200 | fat 6g | protein 14g | carbs 22g
odyssey; caramel nut | rating 0/5
c 300 | fat 9g | protein 30g | carbs 30g
strive; chocolate peanut butter crunch | rating 0/5
c 230 | fat 10g | protein 20g | carbs 24g
well either a bar taste great or taste like poop - no in between. so far the balance bar is the closest in replacing actual taste of the optifast bars and the specs look really good as well, especially the extra grams of protein. plus i got all the above bars for testing from trader joes - so they will be easy and cheap to get.
the weekend was kind of a bust - i get to the weekend and i allow myself to succumb to that feeling of entitlement to indulge in whatever suits me. i've had a shitty week or i did really good all week or i'm having my period or i just finished my period - it's sort of never ending the excuses for allowing myself to go off course. then comes monday and i have this renewed sense of order, i will do only shakes and miso today, i will go to the gym, i will clean my house and so on. then, when mid week, i can't get through it all, i start to beat myself down so that by the time i get to the weekend i am so ready to comfort myself with food. viscous cycle that i am not alone with i'm sure. i haven't gotten on the scale yet - partially because i was having a horrible period last week and partially because i'm scared that i have gained and am edging too close to 200 again. last year at this time i was on course and losing so well -"15 pounds in nineteen days" to quote myself. i miss group sessions, but i am so broke that i can not possibly afford to attend. i need to find it somewhere inside me that this all means something and keep going.
on the scooter front - she got turned back in from body work and paint job and she looks stunning. with all the guys on board at the scooter shop with how killer she is, they are trying to get her back together in time for me to pick her up next saturday. unless they get slammed - i really hope they can do it, i miss scootering so much now and the days have been so incredibly beautiful for rides, it's killing me! photos of the transformation to come soon. one problem i am having is she now longer looks like a "boot scoot" and may have even changed to a he - i won't really know until i get it back. it's going to be a completely different ride with new fork, suspension, tires and front break. so i should wait until i ride it a bit to determine what to name her/him/it. this weekend i was leaning toward grommet cause its all metallic and machine like - gone is the radio flyer toy image of boot scoots previous life. hello bitchin ass killer ride.
tuesday | sept 27 | 2005
word of the day. focus, focus, focus.
after a fabulous birthday "week" ending with a surprise b-day party thrown by my wonderful husband, i am ready to batten down the hatches and focus. back on program - full fast shakes for at least a month - goal drop ten pounds by end of oct. given that i dropped over 35 in 3 months last time - its totally doable. today will be my first time back in the gym since - well lets just say i think it could have been january. its around 4 right now and i can totally feel that nagging rational in the back of mind going on about how great it would be to just get straight home, cuddle up on the couch and watch all my tivo shows. but i am really going to focus and fight this if for nothing else then to get back into the gym once, today and then see how tomorrow goes. its so easy for me to get carried away with the fantasy of becoming a size 4 and how great i will look and the loads of clothes i can wear and how i won't cringe at a seeing a photo of myself and i can look in to mirror without wincing - i get lost in the thoughts to a point of distraction and eventually just want to give up because it starts to feel insurmountable and completely unobtainable on a day to day basis. so i am trying really hard to stay focused on the small stuff - like just making it to the gym today, getting in my gym clothes, treadmill for 30 minutes and home. repeat tomorrow and so on. increasing time and intensity as things progress. i just need to make it through tonight with shakes and not do the meal thing, just tonight - that's it and then i'll take a new look at everything tomorrow. it is so much easier if you stop looking days, weeks and months ahead of how things might be, how things should be and just focus on how things are working right now.
monday - friday regime:
morning latte, 2 vanilla shake packs w/ espresso shot
11-noon, 2 shake packs
1 cup of miso
2-3, 2 shake pack
6-7, 2 shake pack or bar + cup miso
lots of water and green tea
weekends i will probably do a sushi run or indian food, but only for one meal
on full fast it works even better if you do one shake pack every 2 hours - for a total of 8 shakes daily. shakes are 100 calories a piece, so you can see it is very restrictive. its low carbs, but not no carbs, 7 grams per shake and 15 grams of protein per shake as well. i do pro-cal because its soy based (dairy based like optifast make me gag) and i can order from the internet. i did a pretty long program with my doctor and nutritionist, so i feel pretty good about going it solo - but would recommend a physicians or nutritionist guidance if its your first time trying a liquid diet. miso helps balance out loss of sodium from peeing so damn much and prevents migraines you can get at the beginning. really its very easy and you lose weight really fast like you can actually drop 10-15 lbs within the first week - two weeks so if you are trying to fit into that special day outfit - it does the trick and once you finally just give up on dealing with food altogether it is completely manageable to do over the months to come. this time i really want to focus on transitioning to a sustainable program, the best i have seen in regards to labeled programs is the south beach maintenance section. its really about balancing fresh greens, proteins and complex carbs. if i happened to get knocked up along the way - i plan to incorporate the two programs - since the shakes provide the ease of not having to fix food all the time and the south beach list will help with adding the additional 1000 calories i will need. well that's the plan - i'll check back in weekly and we'll see how it all goes.
tuesday | sept 13 | 2005
work has been so obnoxiously out of control - stressed out to the max. actually had a bona fide crying breakdown last week when someone sent me yet another item to task asap. that was it - lost it. in truth some of it was built of emotions from everything that has been happening in the country. all those poor baby animals - i can hardly type about it and not get all welled up inside - so please donate - please help the shelters or petfinders or become a foster home. they are victims with absolutely no control, no voice. ok thats enough - got to stop.
my folks come into town this next weekend. they are meeting up with some friends from england and doing the town. hubs and i are joining them on their excursion to alcatraz - like who doesn't want to take a rickety tugboat out into the freezing cold harbor and walk around a deserted jail all full of ghost?
lots of dinners
vintage fashion expo
oh and this little party
and hopefully the return of boot scoot - now new and improved!
joined the Y again - but of course i forgot my gym bag today. the chinatown facility which is only a few blocks away offers taiko classes. even my hubs is interested in checking it out - what better for an angry chick then to beat on something!
monday | aug 22 | 2005
wow really bad about keeping site up - but i took nearly every friday off this summer instead of a planned vacation and so i'm super focused at work inorder to make the fridays work. they are still holding through september as well. good tip if you know you won't be taking any vacations - working four day weeks has been heaven.
so the allstate goes in for a face lift this week - to return in 3-4 weeks. this picture is my inspiration to make her into a bad ass scooter - she's tired of looking like a radio flyer vespa. my hubby is providing this transformation for my birthday - hopefully she will be back by the 25th of september, so i can officially annouce her as my mid-life crisis birthday gift. yup i turn the big 40 on the 25th and i don't feel it nor fear it. the only down side to it all is the getting knocked up equation. we are back on that track and we'll see how it goes - we took a break while i lost the weight and well time is a ticking so back on the wagon sort of speak. so how long can someone ride their scooter while pregnant - is that just a ridiculous question? maybe a sidecar addition!
photos are from gotham scooter rally 2004 by sebastian kim and are some of the best scooter photos ever!
on other fronts - i have picked up knitting again and in case you are wondering why in the middle of summer i choose to work in wooly yarns - its because it is FUCKING FREEZING here in the City. they were not lying about the coldest winter is a summer in san francisco. i have worn a sweater and jacket nearly every day this summer. last week i actually went and bought a fucking electric blanket. oh, so nice to slip into a pre-heated bed. poor hubby though - the blanket only came with one control instead of required two - so he is waiting for manufacturer to mail out a second control before he too can discover the womb like control of an electric blanket. the good thing about buying an electric blanket during a summer of record breaking country wide heat waves - is it was dirt cheap! but i digress - back to the knitting - this one will be a great big wooly gray scarf - actually almost done - will post some photos (yeah right - just like i have done for the house - ok for good measure - here's one of hubby's birthday gifts from last month - just cause they rock!) + some cool ebay scores! sweater is a vintage pringle and it rocks - especially after my favorite vintage sweater (also an argyle) shrunk when it got soaked from a minor house flood of a couple weeks ago and now only fits barbie.
wednesday | aug 3 | 2005
yes it is a disease and i need to be careful what i wish for...read july 12 entry of kicking the old man of the bike, this is the result. we have a new addition to the family! - i have much more to write about - will i get to it - not sure, so enjoy the pretty scooter picture for now.
tuesday | july 12 | 2005
had my first solo ride this last weekend with the sf scooter girls club (gang!). it was really great and i gots to be honest i really like solo riding, sorry honey, you are on your own - we need to get a second scooter now. of course, i am flat broke so the possibility of this happening is pretty much nile and nada. i hate being broke and in debt. how did it happen - mainly my freelancing days and not giving uncle sammie his clammy share. i'm so white trash in my dreams of winning the lottery and just releasing me from all these damn grownup responsibilities.
on the weight front i am a total loser and not in the good way - i have probably gained about 8-10 lbs and i am so dreading the weigh in at group tomorrow as i have been MIA there for over a month due to a work project and overtime. and well i can feel it in my waistband because i have been too chicken shit to get on the scale so i know i am in trouble (doesn't help that i am pms'ing hard as well). but tomorrow i will be brave and go to group and turn over more cash and have it out with my food demons.
hubs birthday next week and well i have no money and my cat got a wicked abscess last week and that took 3oo buckaroos because my cats only get sick on fucking weekends and holidays - caching, triple charge! but she is fine now and we both agree that her safety and health is more important than our wants of useless shit. but truth be known i still managed to get him a killer pair of garden gnomes. no really they are cool not those cheesy target garden store variety.
monday | june 27 | 2005
we have this new drive for weekends_down through fort mason_by crissy field and ends at fort point under the golden gate bridge. it was awesome and we can stop at the warming hut for the best latte i have discovered. ran into a couple of other scooterist and funny things was we all had red vintage vespas so it totally looked like the lil red scooter gang.
i have five precious me days coming up at the end of the week. much needed time off and i get the place to myself. i don't get a lot of time to myself and i can really miss it, recalling the days of living on my own in a little bitty cottage in laguna beach. i love my husband but i loved also having my own place. so once a year he gives me a break and goes away for a long weekend so that i can pine after himm constantly (yea wink, wink) and go girl alone crazy.
no big plans, just cleaning and organizing the house to finish it off from the move, chick flics, some out time with the girlies and a whole lotta nothing reading in the garden. although i just finished most of my books so i guess i will have to head out to the luscious green apple to get some good reads. if weather is good i'll spend some time getting some photos of the place and garden. chow for now.
friday | june 24 | 2005
so meet my new luv:
hubs and i bought ourselves a vintage vespa and now i am totally addicted. it's all i can think about. i just want to google scooter after scooter. we are even planning our next purchase so that we can each have our own scooter. we attended our first scooter rally last weekend, the sf scooter rage. it was so much fun until half way through our newbie status proved itself by running out of gas. a bit of panic but the community is so awesome one of the rally leaders topped us of with his well prepared extra gallon of gas that he brought along. guess they knew someone would not heed the pre ride question of "DO YOU HAVE ENOUGH GAS?" my husband is not the brightness bulb sometimes when it comes to certain maintenance rules. in order to curtail the nagging i have learned to keep my mouth shut - but damn it honey one always needs to have more than enough gas in the vehicle and more than enough toilet paper in the house. i live by these rules - always!
sf has a fantastic scooter scene and there is an all girls club called SAN FRANCISCO SCOOTER GIRLS. i joined up on their yahoo online board and will have to work up the courage to actually attend their weekly hookup at dylans. why am i so god damn awkward at meeting new people. a million freaking things go through my head that prevent me from diving in to these new situations and i really thought it was suppose to get easier as you get older. but i am going to give it a shot next week - maybe alone or maybe i will drag unknowing victim with me.
truth be known though the actual riding part of it is still kicking my ass. i mean do you recall where we moved to - these hills are not for the meek and quite frankly i am still in mouse mode when it comes to my driving prowess. we took all the proper precautions of motorcycle training and i have my official class M1 license which in theory makes me a bad ass but something about getting older and wiser makes your spontaneous lust for life sputter out a bit. i mean people out there on the roads are fucking idiots - you hear me crazy taxi man, back off!
friday | april 08 | 2005
ode to all the chicas out there making it happen!
take a gander at the books released or about to release from cool chicks that i know personally or read their blogs religiously. rock on!
thursday | march 24 | 2005
losing again - slowly as i am having my period and thus staying at status quo. not a lot going on - just waiting for this damn rain to stop, really looking forward to reading in the garden this summer.
went to the vintage fashion expo and stayed within budget. got 2 dresses and 1 sweater. 1 of the dresses is a vintage cheongsam and may be a bit too small for me, but twenty pounds lighter and it will be a dream fit. i really need to pull the camera out and take photos of stuff.
no plans really for easter - at least not the eating, chocolate bunny kind. oh how could i forget - geek hubs and i are headed off to ROBOT WARS saturday. i can't believe i have agreed to this - definitely need to pull the camera out for that one.
that's it kiddos - try not to eat too much crap!
princess wee wee
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