thursday | march 10 | 2005

5 pound loss from last week - so there is hope. guess i need to pull my scale out for morning weigh ins, since they are generally four lbs lighter than the official weigh in which is weekly and at the end of the day. it's good to see the numbers going down again. i am officially going to transition to a modified plan now, 5-6 shakes + one meal 400-600 calories. this will put me at a 1000-1200 calorie range and with added exercise there is no reason i can't continue to lose. plus i miss cooking and eating real food. and with my killer new kitchen and giant butcher block/counter island it is fun again.

work reviews this week - i'm a bit nervous, i intend to ask and receive a 25% raise and promotion. it's taken some mental gymnastics to get me in the right frame of mind - but i'm going for it. i am too valuable of an asset to the company to have them fire me and well have to see about negotations, but i am determined to come out of this a winner. should know what the outcome is by end of the week.

no big plans this weekend - just more of the same unpacking boxes. i still have my office to set up and need to organize the clothes that i am keeping. big hill walks and garden reading, maybe even some photos.

monday | march 7 | 2005

welcome to the hills from hell! i should definitely have buns of steel by summer if i keep these walks up.

so we are all moved in, well technically all our crap from one location now resides in the new location minus a couple extra hundred square feet. in other words, box city. but hello people - i have a serious problem with clothes - as in too many and an inability to properly recycle or depose of. this is now a paramount issue as we do not have the closet space or the spare room to set up an extra rolling rack, so off to goodwill and ebay they must go.

i showed a slight gain last week at session and my nutritionist totally called me out asking what exactly did i want to be doing, full fast, modified and i just stumbled on my words. i don't know. i want to stick to full fast and drop another twenty pounds, i really do. but i am having such a hard time fitting that into my daily life lately. lazy really, just want to go get food, which even if i am switching over to real food is not an option. i need to be following a healthy plan like south beach maintenance or something. so here again i will start this week out with intentions to do full fast and if i should go off - i will cook at home and prepare healthy options. i feel really dumpy these days and with spring and summer on my heels i really see myself in better shape. i want to be in good shape - i want to wear sleeveless well at least short sleeves and little summer dresses without feeling like the great white whale of the north.

sunday | jan 30 | 2005

one week into the move mode - we have made nearly a $1000 in garage sale, spare change cash value, dvd dump and book dump. this will now cover our movers fee. it can be done, unless you live the minimal life, you have cash in them darn corners of your house.

today i am 100% opti again and going for the next few days until weigh in. i have been in this holding pattern for long enough, its time to get serious and dump the last 20 lbs. if i hold on until we move for the most part i should be down between 10-15lbs. i know the honeymoon is over from starting the program and the first 35lbs on some level were so easy, but i lost focus and holidays and weddings and it was so easy to make excuses. back into the gym, more water and full fast monday - friday and only real food maybe once or twice on the weekend. i also need to start studying up for a maintenance plan. i have the south beach diet book and i think as a maintenance plan it makes the most sense. i will be able to go straight to the third phase of the program and it really breaks down the kinds of foods that make the most for energy and weightloss maintenance. the switch from a program that basically provides everything you need without thinking about it and gives you energy every two hours to keep you completely energized and aware - it seems so daunting to now have to translate that to food. the one big thing that this program has done for me is teach me about food as a pure form of energy fuel source. that if you keep your body energized with just the right amount of food throughout the entire day - you don't have the mood swings and cravings, i'm not tired at 3:00 and i don't really enter states of hunger. but it is a science - my nutritionist is teaching us how to combine foods and at what calorie intake they should be at any given part of the day. proteins and good carbs and the right amount of fat, it all comes together to make things work. the other thing about the program is it forces you to step away from "the food" and deal head on with ones relationship with food. food is not an option to deal with stress or disappointment, its not a reward for self righteousness. you are forced to rebuild all those behaviors and self talk beliefs all over again. that part of the equation has always been so much harder for me in the past when i have done "the diets". so this morning i start the day with my delicious (opti) hazelnut latte and get back to the packing!

post note:
i just weighed myself after my bath and i am at the same point i have been for the last month - 182. this goes up and down by only 1 pound on any given day. i noticed that when i saw the numbers come up, my first reaction was oh good i haven't really gained - i can go get something to eat. being at or below 183 has always been a big mark to hit for me- it was the weight that i was at when i started this thing and had somehow been a nostalgic benchmark for me of the delusional kind for the last year, "if only i weighed 183 again, i would be happy, i could wear that favorite skirt again, etc...." so now i have been here for a month and while i am happy, happy that my clothes all fit again, happy people have noticed my weightloss, happy that i have not gained any weight back in the last month even though i am eating normal in combination with opti during the weekdays, i know that i need to move on, move down to the next big goal, 165. this goal is very important to me based on once again a nostalgic moment in time. the time i broke out of a bad relationship, gave up hard carbs, walked everyday for an hour and regained a very long lost friend - myself. all that energy landed me around the 160's. i felt great, i looked great. so it amazes me how now i still cling so tightly onto the weight i am at right now. i don't have unrealistic goals, i don't want to be 130. i know that i look good and feel good in the 150 and 160 range, i know that it allows me to shop in the 7-10 size range - so it is not really an undue goal that i can achieve. and yet there was still that immediate mental note registering in my head this morning that i can stay put right where i am. right now it is a one minute at a time plan - time to go make some tea and pack boxes and see if the thought of rewarding myself with positive acclamations instead of food, can't get me through the day.

wednesday | jan 26 | 2005


i would write about work right now but the word of the day is paranoia so take heed, plus we all know what happens when you write about your job, just look up the pop culture term to get dooced.

trying to get focused on moving - will start packing up more stuff this weekend. hubs and i had a garage sale last week and did ok, raked in half of the movers cost. still there's all that ebay stuff to get selling and make the other half - determined to raise the money for this and not dip into the monthly cost of living.

on the opti front, i am in a holding pattern since the 35lb drop. i've got at least 20 more to go but something about the motivation that comes with the first three months and then fizzles out is a bitch to get over. i haven't gained which keeps me encouraged, but i really miss working out with my trainer and with work being so crazy these days, i really need the release. so gonna pull up the boot straps and get back in the gym - budget for a trainer will probably have to wait until spring. of course now that i will be moving to the top of the hill, quads and gluts will definitely be getting worked whenever we want to get home from going out.

did i happen to mention that hubs X wife lives about 2 city blocks down and 2 city blocks over from our new pad. i know running into her is now a reality and not just a slight statistical chance encounter. conflicted on this subject, it's been over three years, any obsession i may have had in the beginning of trying to figure out what she was about has now turned to the occasional mild curiosity. but damn it people, if you don't want people to know fucking anything about you and form misguided opinions - then why the fuck do you put public blogs out there. yes she has a public blog and yes being a woman with the occasional jealousy streak combined with obsessive hacking tendencies, i found it within six degrees of separation from the first time i learned her name. well time has past and now i occasionally read to find out what her latest sunken depth of tragedy is. but running into her face to face would be weird, like really weird because i know her as the "danger" persona that she has crafted on line, i know the other side from her years as the hubs X, shit i know what meds she is on and she has no clue that i know any of this (well except for the fact i'm married to her X and we "talk"), so if it happens (and it will), it would be like some anti-celeb star spotting jerry springer momement. should i ask her for an autograph or just take her down with a cross spinning dragon piledriver maneuver.

well at the very least it will be something to fodder about on here and then she can "discover" it and write about me in her journal.

wednesday | jan 19 | 2005

i am kind of a mean person - i have this little trigger in me that wants to go off when i am exposed to people who are not rational. this does not mean that i am the be all - but i do have inward thoughts sometimes that the universe should revolve around me. there is a bit of a cat fight going on out in the world wide web that does sadistically amuse me. whenever i read her entries i so want to comment - but she of course took away the comments section. there have been times that reading through her journey has been inspiring and witty but then something happened along the way and now its like watching a slow motion train wreck. the mean little girl in me just can't let leave - i want to tell her how messed up she is, how she so desperately needs counseling, she needs friends, she needs hobbies. that the weight is not the issue and that the engagement is certainly not the solution. my god i really do not think she will ever even get to the engagement with the downward spiral she is on. the compassionate woman in me wants to extend a hand, a helpful heart but i have witnessed time and again how she can not see beyond her self contained hell, so what would be the point. so here is my advice:

1. get in therapy - your mom is screwed up and your fathers lack of involvement is not a healthy base to form healthy relationships. this means you do not have a chance in hell to create a long last healthy marriage or motherhood.

2. start exercising - you may hate it, but exercise is HALF of the equation, if not more. it just is - it always will be even when you have reached marital-size 4 nirvana. exercise will always have to be there - wake up and smell the sweat.

3. move out of your mothers house - you are in your thirties, you no longer qualify as a slacker. and i have never come across someone who so desperately needs those apron strings cut. form your own independence. it scary but it's the therapy you need and running to live with your boyfriend is sort of cheating.

4. find some other interest - reality tv does not count. you are the sum of your parts and that means more than just your stomach. interesting women are just that interesting, multifaceted, full of wit, intelligent, talented. they get this way by experiencing life. they are not one dimensional robots recreating the exact same pictures they see in the mail order catalogs. that will never be a real life - they are only pictures, technically only ink laid on paper through the combination of four color screens.

i can do this because one its my site, my thing and two no one even reads this thing. i can now put the mean girl to bed.

tuesday | jan 18 | 2005

we're moving…

i am so excited. my hubbie and i have been obsessively laying out floorplans in scale, because we are designers and that is what we do for kicks, pathetic i know. it will definitely be the year of the downsizing. the flat is about 100-200 square feet smaller than we are use to which means its time to trim the fat. last summer we went through our garage storage and donated and chucked out a bunch of stuff - in the end it felt so good - you know that thing about having stuff in a box for the the last 3 years or more that you absolutely never think about or use yet you lug it with you everywhere you go - well we got rid of that junk and it was pure liberation. i highly recommend it for just about any aliment. now we get to do the same thing with the inside junk. the sixteen different size categories of clothes i have stockpiled: skinny clothes so out of date but have the skinny label, clothes that i kept when i stopped the corporate job 3 years ago when i went freelance but will hold onto in case i go back into corporate america (which i did last year and wouldn't be caught dead wearing those things!) the comfy fat clothes, the super embarrassing fat clothes, the impulse buy clothes, the i just love the texture-super furry but wouldn't actually wear clothes. you get the picture - i have a lot of clothes and that doesn't even begin to touch the vintage dress collection. so its time to ebay the vintage, donate the others. the garage sales to follow - we have a half dozen or so furniture pieces we are not going to take with us - if you live in the bay area, check out the irving / golden gate park area for garage sales i guarantee some great stuff. the plan is to collect money via the garage sales and ebay stuff to pay for the move. i really don't mind packing the house up - but would love it if a team of burly sweathogs would actually do the grunt work.

the other cool thing about the move, i realized last night, is that i will now work out primarily at the embarcadero YMCA. this gym rocks and has the best equipment. the other location i have been going to did not have the same or similar equipment that i used to use with my trainer which of course lead to me being disinterested. it was all those automatic, digital circuit pieces and i just couldn't translate my old routines with the different equipment. the embarcadero on the other hand has so many of the same or similar machines that i will be able to get back on track in good form. it will be on my way home and easy to use in the morning as well.


wednesday | jan 12 | 2005

new year - new me. really new, improved, different. i swear.

i got married for christmas!

my boy and i decided in a somewhat spontaneous gesture to tie the knot and surprise the moms for the holidays! i say moms because of course my HUSBAND called my father and graciously asked for my hand in marriage. damn it all i'm blushing - my dad was so tickled. so it all got pulled off to a t and we had a fantastic holiday.

move in store!

my HUSBAND's lawyer contacted him yesterday and informed us that he is moving to a new building he just bought - yes in this city that does mean he is loaded, but a super nice guy none the less. anywho, he is offering up his fantastic apartment in the other building he owns and we went and looked at it. LOVE IT - details are being worked out to confirm that we can do it - but if all goes well, like weezie used to say, we're movin on up - to nob hill. literally to the very top of the hill. i really can't stand the snootie snoots - but this place is amazing with a huge secret garden and our own private garage - extra big with room to paint and build things in and the flat has two floors and all the floorplans are open space, like a loft, but not. and he just finished all the details on the gourmet kitchen and well it's just awesome. so needless to say - i want it - but i have to wait it out now to make sure the right price can be negotiated. i am so ready for this - i really want the change - i need the change.


princess wee wee

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